Mammajoy

Sad

This past week has been one that I feared would come, but that I prayed wouldn't.

After four days of struggle, with all the little signs there, all the usual circumstances and reactions, I began to realise that this was it.

And so, crashing over me like a violent storm, it came.  That we fear the most often becomes our reality, right?  The Post Natal Depression I so hope to journey through and leave far behind has reminded me again, that this is a condition to be 'managed', certainly not 'cured from'.

And all the wishing in the world will not change that fact.  All the hoping, and praying, and dreaming, and planning, and crying, and yelling, and sobbing, and fearing, and hating is not going to change this fact.

I am still sick.

And you know what?

I'm okay with that.

Because it's just where I am.

And try as hard as I may, I cannot be where I am not.

I've tried.

As I write this I am in the city, hours away from my babies and my man.  Alone.  Not because I wanted to be, but because I needed to be.

On Monday I forgot who's I am and where I reside.  Stress began to follow me and my breath escaped me.

On Tuesday I began to expect too much from myself and found myself unable to connect with others.

On Wednesday I had a taste of freedom with a day of shopping.  And I realised that it's okay to be kind to myself.

But then I was unable to be kind to my children, and I blamed them for needing me.

On Thursday the anger which bubbled inside me escaped, in yells and tears.  Afterward neither of my girls would look at me.  I couldn't feel anything.  I couldn't focus on anything.

The couch became my friend and a black t-shirt beside me my comfort as I poured out my tears and anguish and pain and despair.

I was lost.

Again.

The drive into the city seemed surreal.  Saying goodbye to my babies tore pieces of my heart.  Matt's face told me he wanted to fix everything.  Dry my eyes, scoop me up and take me back home.

But he can't.

Only I can walk this road.

And so here, I can breathe a little.  I am remembering how to be.  To embrace love.  To let go of expectation.  To renew.

To forgive.  To see reality for what it is.  Not as something to be escaped from.

It is true - what I hope for and what is possible are two very different things.  How I need grace to accept this!  Come and be my friend, grace.  Father of the second chances.  Of the do-overs.  Can we start over?

Now I'm picking up the pieces and putting them back in different spaces of my heart.

A simple trip on a city bus becomes a moment to enjoy the space I am in.  The stranger sitting across from me has kind eyes.  The mum's at the coffee shop have playful eyes.  The barrista who takes my coffee order has warm eyes.  And I remember how to connect.  To interact.  To be who I am.  To look in eyes and know that I am

worthy

forgiven

whole

loved

spirited

treasured

Each new hour my breathing comes easier.

And I remember how to smile.

It is true.  Without the dark, there can be no light.

Peace xxoo

Amanda

Anatomy of a Morning

Slept in late.  Bugger.

Need to get the boys ready for day care.  It's 8.00am.

Why does he have to leave so early?  I don't do mornings very well.  This is one of my most challenging situations.

Coffee.  Good start.

Let's attempt breakfast.  Oh great, Joseph and Samuel are standing on the kitchen table.  'Let's hop down boys, you are not allowed to stand on the table'.

Oh look, there they are again, on the table.  'Joseph this is a time out for you.  Now sit down please.  No....what?  What? What is that on your hand?

Oh.....

And in the bath we go.

'Joseph, when you need to go poo poo can you tell mamma please?  And it's not a good idea to put your hand down there.'

Dried, dressed.  Mamma's distressed.

Breakfast.  'Nutella on toast mum?'  No.  Smoothie if you have a sore throat.  Cereal for everyone else.  Panadol because we're all a bit sniffly.

'Mamma, Mr Snuffles is coming to visit us'.

'Yeah honey, it sure looks that way'.

Man, this is hard.  I wish the kids would listen.  I wish they would listen and obey.  First time.  Is that asking too much?  Far out, it's going to be 10.30am before we get there!  I'm failing, aren't I.

Oh why do I attempt this on my own?  And I want to homeschool?  HAH!!  That will be interesting.

No. Calm down Amanda.  It's just a bad morning.  Feelings come and go, the conviction about home education continues.  Give yourself grace. 

Lord I'm struggling a bit.  Please be close just now.  What was that noise?  Is that coming from the toilet?

'Samuel!  Don't play in the toilet water! Yuck!.  The floor in our toilet is wet, the bowl is almost dry.

I don't remember signing up for this.

Okay, we're almost all dressed.  'Forget shoes girls, you won't need them'.

It's 9.46am.  Not bad.  "Let's go'.  In the car, down the street to day care.  Thank goodness I don't have to contend with traffic.  Or traffic lights.

Day care.  Smiles.  Hugs.  Samuel's tears, but only a few this time.

Home again.

Coffee.  Comfy couch.

Surprisingly peaceful.  Quiet.  He draws close and I'm still.

Lord, I think I did okay this morning.  I mean, I didn't yell at anyone?  And I didn't cry!?

What was it.  This morning felt, different.

I think I've got it.

If we are having a rough morning, then it's a rough morning.

If the kids are being disobedient, then they're being disobedient.

It doesn't have to be all about me.  And in fact, when I'm not caught up in my own feelings, I can allow others to feel freely, and the air can move.

'Let the feelings come and go and swirl around you.  While you're anchored in my truth you won't get swept up in them.'

The raging storm that is self-pity.  Self-doubt.  Self-loathing.  It's easy to hitch a ride on that tail-wind.

But it's not all about me.

Not everything hinges off of how I'm feeling.  How I'm coping.  And if I'm beginning to struggle then I will sit with it.

Give that feeling some room and listen to it.  Those feelings just want to be.  I can leave my feelings alone.  Acknowledge them.  But then leave them alone.

Just like the toilet floor.  Which still has three wet towels sitting on it.

Tomorrow.

Another morning.  Another chance to grow.

Amanda

 

Irrational Fear #1

Before my big emotional breakdown Spiritual Awakening of 2009 I couldn't go to sleep at night without first checking that the knobs on the stove-top were switched to 'off'.

I was just a little bit paranoid that one day I'd leave a hotplate on and we'd all perish in a blazing fire during our sleep.

Sometimes I'd even check them twice.

Fear.  It's a funny thing.  Now that I'm further down the road in my journey since depression being bound to fear in this way seems strange; I don't even think about the stove at bedtime now.  But back then, before I could sleep all I could think of is 'what haven't I done today', and 'something bad is going to happen and I have to stop it'.

Hence the checking.

So glad that's over now.

Amanda

park(ing)

As part of my treatment for Post-Natal Depression (YES!  I have a blog called 'mammajoy' and I have PND!  Oh the hilarity!) we needed to break up my usual routine somewhat.  These days I tend to crumble in a heap if I don't get the chance to get out of the house; the day becomes too long and I begin to feel a little like a caged bird surrounded by hungry and cranky hyenas snapping at me.  So out we go, if for nothing else but for the change of scenery and the fresh air.  Sometimes we'll go to a friends house, or to mum's group, or to the shops for bread and milk, or, and this is my favourite, we'll pack up supplies for the day and head to a park.

 

The kids love it.  The park which we usually go to is fairly small and completely fenced, so this litle trooper can run around 'till his hearts content.  And he does.

 

 
 
 

We catch bugs, yahoo with Joseph whenever a truck drives past, eat sandwhiches from home, feed baby, enjoy the sun and say hello when friends walk past.  It really is a lovely way to spend a day and since my PND melt-down a few weeks back I have a whole new appreciation for stopping and enjoying the simple joy of being outside.

Isn't it funny how often the things that help us the most are simple and already present.
 

Hello!

Has it really been 3 months since my last post?  How quickly does time fly when you are busy.  We've had two family weddings since April and I must say that is more than this mamma can handle!

At the moment I am between head colds and grateful for whatever bursts of energy I get.  There has been so much to do in preparation for our new baby - due in 5 weeks!  Where did those 35 weeks go?  Matt has been busy attending to my 'must get done before baby comes' list - which of course contains all manner of crazy items like build a linen cupboard, move that heavy bookcase and completely change that room around.  He's so patient with my pregnancy crazy.

My next step?  Find and wash baby clothes.  I have tonnes of cute little boy outfits that Joseph only wore for 1 -2 weeks because he grew so quickly - it's so nice that I get to use them again!

And as a completely random photo because I just.can't.post without a photo - my lovely little flowergirls and myself at my sisters wedding.  It was such a gorgeous day.

17? 19? Any further guesses?

So I got a phone call early this morning from the radioligist people cancelling my ultrasound appointment.

Pregnancy Rule #32 - Do not cancel a pregnant mammas ultrasound appointment, especially when they are so.darn.looking.forward to seeing that little being that is keeping them up at night either hungry or sick or both.

These people obviously haven't read the rules.  They said that according to their records I am only 17 1/2 weeks along and I need to be at least 19 weeks to get a good morpholgoy scan.  According to my dates and my GP and the hospital I am already 19 weeks.

If we could all just agree on how far along I am we can all get along m'kay?

My appointment is now for next Wednesday at 1pm.

Trying.to.be.patient.

the holiday blues

I always seem to find myself in a funk around this time of year.  More commonly known as the school holidays.  I guess it's because my kids aren't in school yet and so while heaps of familes around me are having a break from school I'm not having a break from anything.  Unless there's a break from real life which I haven't discovered yet.

If you have, email me m'kay?

But the thing that I am craving at the moment (besides banana sandwhiches) is my usual routine.  It feels weird not going ANYWHERE during the day except to the shops for bread and milk.  I miss my mum's group, the story reading at our local library and the music group at the local nursing home.  I miss having somewhere to be.

It was nice being able to stay home in my jammies when I was having a DEEEE-LIGHTFUL time with the morning sickness, but now I'm feeling a bit better and am ready for these holidays to be over.

So bring it on I say.

someone stop me, please

 

• I found myself late the other night obsessed with the need to find an appropriately non-cheesy Christmas CD to play during December.  Really, I did.  And no, I couldn’t find one.

 

• I have a to-do list for when family arrives on Christmas Eve that has 15 items on it, so far.

 

• My Christmas cake?  Smells like pure brandy.  I may have put a tad too much on it.  We may be eating it one crumb at a time.

 

• I have not bought one.single.Christmas.present.yet.

 

• M and I can’t decide between a fake or a real tree.  My main concern?  I have to keep a real tree alive all year around.  A fake tree I can take out of a box and put it right back in the box come new year thankyouverymuch.

• I put my back out again yesterday and so at present am feeling quite high on painkillers.  This does not help with the whole planning thing.

 

I think maybe, just maybe, Christmas is meant to be more relaxing than this.