Mammajoy

Heavy

 

Saturday.

How was your's?

Mine started a little bleekly.  The headache (too much red wine last night?) didn't help and the recent happenings in our family life certainly didn't help either.

Thankfully we had a friends daughters' birthday party to attend, otherwise I may have snuggled into bed and cried all day.

So I found my brightest, most cheerful dress.  Frocked up and headed out.  It was a beautiful day here in sunny Queensland.  Sitting on a rug in the delicious sunshine chatting with friends old and new lifted my mood.

We talked about dyring fruit, soap making, vitamin deficiences, natural deoderants, puppies and in-laws.  It was wonderful.  I started feeling clucky over a sweet lil' babe called Gabrielle.  Such a lovely name, no?

And now the kiddies are all tucked into bed.  The house is quiet.  Matt is in the city tonight, hanging out with his mates.  So it's me, a glass of red wine ( I know, headaches right? I'm a sucker for punishment) and Julia Stone to keep me company.

The kitchen is in a state.  I had grand plans to whip up some Raw Chocolate Brownie tonight to take to a family get-together tomorrow.  I'm having second thoughts now.  Although Rachael and I did manage to make her birthday cake tonight.  Then it was sitting on the bench cooling and Mr 2.5 decided to help himself.  Her beautiful butterfuly cake is now missing half his wing *sigh*.  I guess I'll have to reconstruct one out of pure icing because I am not baking again tonight.

My heart is just heavy.  Heavy with sadness for things that are not true.  Heavy with grief over things I cannot change. 

Matt took some great photos today and I just went to find his camera.  He's taken it to the city with him.  Oh well, another post, another day.

Joseph's temperatures have stopped.  In fact everyone's cough and sniffles are getting better.  I've made our first batch of Flu Bomb for the cooler season.  Hopefully if we start taking some now every day we'll avoid the nasty winter flu's like we did last year.  Or was it the year before?  It was bliss either way.  An entire winter without a course of antibiotics in sight!  If you'd like the recipe for this magical potion, just email me.  The email link is there on the right.

Tomorrow we head into the city.  A bit of shopping and then a relaxing afternoon with family at the park.  Cake, presents, nibblies and laughter.

I'm really looking forward to it.

 

 

 

P.S. I'm dreaming of going here.  The sand and salt are calling me!  We are planning a short holiday soon, using some accommodation vouchers from some dear friends.  Hopefully the sun will stay shining strong for a bit longer :-)

 

 

 

The Time Has Come

It's time to embrace the fact that wrinkles are going to happen.

Phew.

That was a hard sentence to get out!!!

For a long time I've been in denial.  But then I turned 30, and then 31 and then I realised that maybe it's time to try some things that might help delay the wrinkles just a wee bit.

Enter Burt's Bees.

 
I love a natural product that doesn't try and win me over with it's slick advertisements or unrealistic promises or fancy schmancy packaging.

So when I saw this little jar sitting on a shelf at the corner Pharmacy near my sisters place in the city, I swooned.

It's natural (98.99% to be exact), affordable ($49.95) and hang on to your pants sista's it works!

The cream smells great without being too overpowering and doesn't have that synthetic feel that some creams have.

It goes on right before bed each night and I tell ya, when I wake up in the morning my skin actually looks firmer and smoother.  I wouldn't have believed it had I not actuallly tried it for myself! 

I've tried some other products made by Burts Bees, like their lip balm (so pepperminty!), this lip shimmer  in 'raisin', and this hand creme is just out-of-this-world delicious.  It leaves my hands so soft, isn't greasy and the moisturisation lasts for hours.

I think it's fair to say I'm falling in love with ye' old Burts Bees.

You can get their story here, and their website has details on all their products, most of which I've seen in stores here in Australia.  Actually their website even has a handy store locator.

Clever!

It feels good doing something kind for my skin.  But I'm still secretly hoping that the only wrinkles I'll get are smile wrinkles!

Amanda xxoo

 

*   This is not a paid advertisement.  Burts Bees have not approved nor endorsed my ramblings about their great products.  It's just me sharing what products I love because I care about your wrinkles.  Well, not really.  But you know what I mean.  *

This Picnic is Going to be Okay

I love Doris Day.

I know, I know.  It's a little-known fact about myself that I've kept quiet for many, many years but now......it's time.

I can't keep my love quiet any more.

She's just..... perfect.  And so wonderfully lovely.  And beautiful.

When I'm having a bad day, hearing her sing makes my heart smile.  She lights up a room when she glides in, all grace and soft curves and twinkling eyes.

She's uplifting, funny, alluring, cheeky and audacious all wrapped up in one.

I was 18 when I watched my first Doris Day movie.  I was working at a boarding school (as a House Mistress, best and worst job ever, but that's a story for another day), it was school holidays and April in Paris was the midday movie one day.  I loved every minute of it.  The songs, the innocence, the humour.  The perfectly neat hair and well-pronounced grammar.  The way people said what they wanted and meant what they said.  Men were manly and women were feminine and that's the way things were.

Because I'm currently sick with a head cold and have foregone all notions of exercise I'm scouring YouTube, watching my favourite movie scenes of Doris.  See?  And you thought I was cool.  I'm really a dork at heart.

I have many, many favourites.  This one is from The Pyjama Game.  Every time I watch this clip I smile.

It's just so, elaborate.

The dresses are fantastic, the dances are amazing and the fact that the scene is set over an entire picnic ground?  Makes me want to picnic Doris-style every weekend!

Who's in?

 

P.S.  And OH MY, all that lovely bunting!!

 

Can't Talk, Must Exercise

That's what my life has been like since 3 weeks ago when I started this.  Me and exercise haven't always been friends.  Actually we've barely been acquaintances.

But oh how that has changed.

Like this last week?  I've done 7 workout sessions!  SEVEN!  I like the gym now (except for the slightly intimidating muscle-clad men that strut around like peacocks), I LOVE to run and the highlights of my week are the two Zumba classes I do.

This girl's learn'n to shake her booty y'all.  :-)

Each Wednesday is weigh-in day.  Week 1 - 1kg.  Week 2 - 900g.  I've lost 1.9kg so far.  I have 8.1kg to go.

And just quietly? (Only not because this is a blog after all) 

I think I've got this weight-loss in the bag.

I mean, I've NEVER been this committed.  Or determined.  Or excited.  Or inspired.

After years and years of being overweight I'm ready to meet the size 12 that is hiding within me.

I know she's there.  At the moment only my legs look about a size 12.  But my thighs?  Not so much.  My neck has become thicker (what the?) but my tummy is shrinking.  My butt has a long way to go.

Is it too much?  Talking about my butt on my blog?  Sorry.

After I did the 'Butt & Thigh Workout' DVD on Friday morning it hurt every time I sat down.  Or walked, or bent over.  Anything really.  It all hurt.  But as they say, pain is gain.

However the past few days have been frustrating as I've come down with a nasty head cold (is there really any other kind?).  And so I swing between pushing myself to exercise and feeling truly awful afterwards, and not even bothering to get up off the couch.

It's been a week of extremes.  I'm proud to say though, that I have avoided my I'm-sick-and-need-comfort-food trips to the pantry for a bite of chocolate here and there.  And I honestly haven't even missed them.

I do believe that's a milestone people.

I'm learning to love the body that I have and it's so refreshing to have a positive opinion on my physical appearance - instead of the usual beat-myself-up buffet with a side of guilt please.

It may sound cheesy?  But when I smile it kinda feels like it comes from way down inside me now.  Instead of just on the surface.  I'm more okay with the way I am then I have been in a long, long time.

Having said that, it's hard work.  Sweating isn't exactly enjoyable and having aching muscles every day isn't a walk in the park.  It's barely a walk anywhere really, more of a moaning shuffle.

But it's worth it.  Totally worth it.

The kids are tucked up in bed (2 healthy, 2 with Mr. Snuffles also here for a visit), Matt is asleep and the electric oil burner is keeping me company with it's eucalyptus goodness wafting toward me.

Ahhh.  Peace and quiet.

Good night world.

I'm going to take my 27th homeopathic cold & flu tablet.

I'm beginning to doubt if they even work.

right now

Thankful :: for a sister with a tender listening ear, a city apartment and a very comfy couch I can crash on.

Dreaming :: of what my world will look like when I go back home.

Hoping :: that our friends and family will be gracious with us as we transition back into school.

Fearing :: what people will say.

Listening :: to the city traffic below me.  As this lazy Sunday begins.

Loving :: the space that I've had this weekend.  Perfectly what I needed.

 

Amanda xxoo

Sad

This past week has been one that I feared would come, but that I prayed wouldn't.

After four days of struggle, with all the little signs there, all the usual circumstances and reactions, I began to realise that this was it.

And so, crashing over me like a violent storm, it came.  That we fear the most often becomes our reality, right?  The Post Natal Depression I so hope to journey through and leave far behind has reminded me again, that this is a condition to be 'managed', certainly not 'cured from'.

And all the wishing in the world will not change that fact.  All the hoping, and praying, and dreaming, and planning, and crying, and yelling, and sobbing, and fearing, and hating is not going to change this fact.

I am still sick.

And you know what?

I'm okay with that.

Because it's just where I am.

And try as hard as I may, I cannot be where I am not.

I've tried.

As I write this I am in the city, hours away from my babies and my man.  Alone.  Not because I wanted to be, but because I needed to be.

On Monday I forgot who's I am and where I reside.  Stress began to follow me and my breath escaped me.

On Tuesday I began to expect too much from myself and found myself unable to connect with others.

On Wednesday I had a taste of freedom with a day of shopping.  And I realised that it's okay to be kind to myself.

But then I was unable to be kind to my children, and I blamed them for needing me.

On Thursday the anger which bubbled inside me escaped, in yells and tears.  Afterward neither of my girls would look at me.  I couldn't feel anything.  I couldn't focus on anything.

The couch became my friend and a black t-shirt beside me my comfort as I poured out my tears and anguish and pain and despair.

I was lost.

Again.

The drive into the city seemed surreal.  Saying goodbye to my babies tore pieces of my heart.  Matt's face told me he wanted to fix everything.  Dry my eyes, scoop me up and take me back home.

But he can't.

Only I can walk this road.

And so here, I can breathe a little.  I am remembering how to be.  To embrace love.  To let go of expectation.  To renew.

To forgive.  To see reality for what it is.  Not as something to be escaped from.

It is true - what I hope for and what is possible are two very different things.  How I need grace to accept this!  Come and be my friend, grace.  Father of the second chances.  Of the do-overs.  Can we start over?

Now I'm picking up the pieces and putting them back in different spaces of my heart.

A simple trip on a city bus becomes a moment to enjoy the space I am in.  The stranger sitting across from me has kind eyes.  The mum's at the coffee shop have playful eyes.  The barrista who takes my coffee order has warm eyes.  And I remember how to connect.  To interact.  To be who I am.  To look in eyes and know that I am

worthy

forgiven

whole

loved

spirited

treasured

Each new hour my breathing comes easier.

And I remember how to smile.

It is true.  Without the dark, there can be no light.

Peace xxoo

Amanda

Irrational Fear #1

Before my big emotional breakdown Spiritual Awakening of 2009 I couldn't go to sleep at night without first checking that the knobs on the stove-top were switched to 'off'.

I was just a little bit paranoid that one day I'd leave a hotplate on and we'd all perish in a blazing fire during our sleep.

Sometimes I'd even check them twice.

Fear.  It's a funny thing.  Now that I'm further down the road in my journey since depression being bound to fear in this way seems strange; I don't even think about the stove at bedtime now.  But back then, before I could sleep all I could think of is 'what haven't I done today', and 'something bad is going to happen and I have to stop it'.

Hence the checking.

So glad that's over now.

Amanda

honestly?

:: I'm bummed that my new bra doesn't fit me.  It did at first, about 2 hours ago.  Ever since then as my breasts fill with milk my boobs are exploding out the top of the bra.  (You're welcome!)  Another one to add to the draw full of clothes that I can wear when I am not a source of nourishment for someone.

:: I'm a little done with the baby-rearing today.  Just want to get some office work done but it is all but impossible.  Someday I long to do something other than fold, wash, clean, feed, wipe, mop, scrub and repeat.

:: I''m sick of the sight of boxes, and we haven't even moved yet.

inside my head

It's Friday.  Phew.  Another week down.  Fifteen days until we move.

Move?

Yes.  MOVE!! We are moving into a bigger house, closer to school and the shops and with plenty of room for the new business.  The countdown is well and truly on and um, so far I've packed about five boxes so yeah, that's going well!  I figure I'll start to panic when moving day is two days away, then I'll just randomly throw stuff into boxes and it will be so disorganised that it will be like Christmas at the new house, you just don't know what you'll find in each box!  That should make unpacking fun.

Tell you what isn't fun right now - Samuel.  Boy has decided that sleep apart from my breast is not an option.  He is only sleeping in 20 minute bursts, followed by some screaming that is only silenced by my boob in his mouth.  It's cute for about the first day, then it just get's darn frustrating.  The whole self-settling thing was going great a month ago, but now?  It's all gone out the window.  Aagghh, oh baby-hood you do dazzle me with your ups and downs.

Our local show is tomorrow (or carnival? for those in USA).  We love our local show and I can't wait to get the kids a show bag, have some fairy floss, maybe a dagwood dog and definitely a toffee apple, for me at least!  We didn't enter the kids into any cooking sections this year (yes, this is a country show.  There is a category for the biggest pumpkin, the best honey, the nicest fruit cake, etc. etc. etc.), but last year Jess won 1st prize for her iced Arrowroot biscuit.  She was so proud of her bright blue arrowroot with smarties randomly thrown on.  Love it.

My mum and my sister are coming out on Sunday, very much looking forward to that.  Haven't seen either in a good while.  I may give them a box to pack while they are here.  Be warned you two.

My random thought during dinner tonight?  How my gorgeous other sister used to mis-pronounce the word 'vanilla'.  She would say 'valinna'.  Oh that made me smile.  So cute.

We are attempting a date night here tonight.  Comfy couch, movie, butterscotch pudding and a lovely mug of hot chocolate.  One child in bed, three to go.  Let's hope the next two hours go smoothly!

Hope you have a great weekend!

right now

:: choosing colours for some embroidery on a soon-to-be-sewn bag.

 
:: admiring our clean fish tank.  I can take no credit for this, Matt has become the designated tank-cleaner in our relationship.  Fish poo freaks me out.  We welcomed some new members into our fish-family yesterday - 3 'mollies'.  They are settling in nicely.

:: enjoying some roses which decorated a friends baby shower over the weekend.