So much has happened in the past four days. My heart is full of stories and tears and triumphs that I dearly want to share with you. Bare with me while I try and make sense of it all here.
You might want to grab a coffee. Or a tea if it's past 9pm.
The past few days have been ones of confusion and frustration and anger coupled with surrender and compassion and kindness. I have swung far and wide between being angry at God for not getting the memo in regards to the plans we had, and hiding in His hands; pouring out my fears and hurts and questions and demands and I'm just so thankful for a God who can handle both extremes. :-)
I am often ashamed of the cracks in my life. Of the blemishes. The broken bits that hard as I try just won't get back together. For a long time I felt that I had to be perfect. No breakages allowed. And that it was God's whole mission to restore myself and every other person on earth to perfection. To fix the cracks, smooth the pot over and polish it to a high glean. And then I'd be worthy of His presence, portion and peace.
I don't believe that anymore.
I'm just beginning to realise where God resides in my life. Where He sees fit to dwell, to fill with His presence, to pour out Grace to where it's needed most.
It's right there in those broken areas that I despise.
I'm beginning to see how God might just use the brokenness of me to shine Himself through. How He blesses that broken place. How He chooses to use those places that I dislike to bless me. To bless others.
An unexpected portion of Grace is mine.
A few things have happened in the past 72 hours that have caused me to lift my head upwards and say 'Really?' Utterly surprised by the gifts He has given.
The Grace He has poured out.
The words of Truth He has spoken through others.
And through all this I'm convinced that God has a keen sense of humour. That He just loves it when an occasion appears where He can use humour to teach us.
To guide us.
To remind us that
He is fully aware of our need.
After calling the school on Monday morning to re-enrol the girls we drove to the nearest big shopping centre to buy school gear. New shoes, new backpacks, the items on their Book List ( I spent $29 on glue!!) and fresh white socks.
Rachael was GLOWING in her brand new uniform and bright white socks by the way. Positively glowing :-)
I often go to these particular shops and NEVER see anybody I know. But our God isn't a God of never. I'm three steps into the shops and there's a mum from the class Jessica was in last year. We stop and chat and the warmth and friendliness reaches into my heart.
We walk another 12 steps and we find the mum of the young girl who Jessica liked 'the best' in her class.
Okay, okay, God. I know what you're doing.
She is just lovely and asks about homeschooling, and I tell her the truth and she is kind. And excited that we are going back to school. And uplifting. And there's that reaching into my heart again.
We make it to the shoe aisle and we've just picked out two (very cute) pairs of black mary-janes when who should walk straight past me? The mum who I've been meaning to call - the only other homeschooling mum in my area.
And this is where I look upwards and say, 'God, sometimes you're too much'.
Paths crossing. Hearts lifting. Specials in aisle five.
This has me convinced that God can use anything, anywhere and anybody to reach us.
To confirm us.
To love us.
To remind us that He's here. Has been the whole time.
I didn't stop and chat to the homeschooling mum. Wasn't sure how to say what was on my heart and didn't really want to break down and cry next to the men's socks and jocks section of Big W.
So we paid for our things and drove home. That afternoon the girls and I went to the school to chat to their teachers and I wish I could say that warmth reached into my heart then too. But it didn't.
Nasty words did. And bitterness. And judgement. Walking back through my front door I burst into tears. 'How can people say such things? They don't even know me! Why do they judge me?'
Tuesday morning I awoke afraid. 'What if what they said was true? What if everyone knows it except me?' The pendulum had swung from warmth and reassurance to despair and anger.
Blackness descended like fog over each hour as it passed by. Finding myself unable to do a simple thing for my children is frightening. 'Mum, I'm hungry', just seems an insurmountable request.
The numbness I know and hate began to creep into my brain, spreading it's claws deep and wide. 'Don't shut down. Just put one foot in front of the other.'
'Breath.'
'And then do the next thing. And then the next.'
Wednesday morning. Matt gets the boys ready for Day Care and helps the girls get ready for school. Their first day back. They were both so very excited and I'm so grateful for that small mercy. They settle into their classes well, and after hugs and kisses I wave them goodbye. I'm sad to leave them. This just wasn't supposed to turn out this way.
When I returned home alone, a morning of stillness calmed my soul. Of music. Praise. Some sewing. The simple joy of eating uninterrupted while watching and hearing every word of an entire 'Felicity' episode is mine to behold. And cringing at the 90's hairstyles is so much fun :-).
But getting close to 3pm I begin to feel anxious. My breath is hard to find.
School pick-up. What if someone says something? I'm not sure I've got the strength to stand there and take it. ' I'll just get in, get out. Real quick. Avoid eye contact. Don't talk to anyone.'
I freshen up. Straighten myself out. I can do this.
On my way to the school I'm feeling anxious when I call out to the only person who really knows what I need,
'Jesus please be my reputation'. 'I really don't care what people think. I know the truth. You know the truth. That's all that matters.'
I feel peaceful and secure. And then the most surprising thing happens.
Grace meets me at the front school gate.
In the form of a friend who stops me and encourages me, has read my blog and knows where I've been and can relate and cares and knows it's hard and thanks me for sharing my struggles. She says I'm brave and courageous for following our hearts.
I begin to cry.
She says this must be really hard. Doing the school pick-up. Through tear-filled eyes I nod. Yes, it's hard. She empathises and cares and hugs me and in two minutes God pours out Grace in the schoolyard enough to fill the whole street. I'm swept up into the flow of love and acceptance and understanding and these Grace waters cool my anger, and fear, and pain.
God, sometimes you're too much.
I'm not sure my friend will ever know just how much she blessed me and became the tangible hands and feet of our loving God. Thank you.
The girls run up with hugs and smiles and shining eyes and the air is light and breezy.
We arrive home with a flurry of excitement and crafts to show mum and afternoon tea to eat in between tales of the great! day! we! had!
Then it's off to Gymnastics. It's raining and us mums are huddled in the waiting room, watching the kids during their lesson. Alongside me is another friend. Another listening ear. Another chance for God to reach inside my heart with warmth and reassurance.
She asks where we've been, and listens as I re-tell the story. Unexpected connection and uplifting fills me. The tumbling and swinging and stretching is finished. The girls come to me flushed and thirsty and warm, floppy and tired.
My friend waves goodbye and turns to go.
But then she comes back and speaks grace words to me.
'Don't listen to what people may say'. 'Be encouraged'.
And in the middle of the Gymnasium waiting room God reaches into my heart. Again.
Still too much.
But so much what I needed.
I've never thought that God would use my brokeness. I mean, it's because of my brokeness that I need Him, I get that. But it's so easy to assume that God only wants the good bits of my life. The areas that are all together. Neat. Tidy. Organised. Respectable. Perfect. Presentable.
But He chooses to send four friends across my path to remind me of His goodness and love in the middle of my messy tyring-to-get-kids-back-to-school-ness? In my darkest days He uses the cracked areas of my life to teach me? To remind me that He is near? When I'm feeling completely lost and an absolute mess He shows up with so much Love and Grace I'm utterly knocked off my feet.
When I think it's all gone belly-up and broken He's ready to use it for His glory. All those years of Sunday School have taught me that God cares. And I know that. But when he uses people, places, and aisle four at Big W, I really know it!
God has reached into my world and lifted me up.
Tomorrow is another day in this sweet collision of pain and joy and do-overs.
And I'll be waiting.
Watching to see how God will bless me again. Because I'm not ashamed of the cracks in my life anymore. I'll never be shiny, or spotless or completely all-together.
And that's okay. Now I see that the cracks are how God let's His light in.
Peace.
Amanda xxoo
